Those times     we stumbled there       that wonderful place      with cheap pasta and that

carrot cake you            liked so much   still it makes my heart   thump remembering  your eyes

            Oh, how they would twinkle and crease as you ate that cake — slow at first, then all at

once    because you never were good  at waiting        

            I wonder             will I ever eat a slice of carrot cake again, or smell an orange

Without you coming back to me            as real as that rainy day in April

We were so stupid,     weren’t we?       Oh, but wasn’t it real?

            When I put my head on your chest and our breaths fell into a pattern                and I could

hear my heart   thumping inside my ribs           how it slipped into a familiar rhythm

             And followed your heart           I would have followed you anywhere   (back then, and

even now…)

             When you kissed my forehead against soft slow fall of early April rain, and  traced

infinity on my shoulder             and

                                    you smiled at me a certain way and for some stupid reason     

the sun caught your eye           at such a specific angle

And I am afraid if I am being honest,    I think about those other times            when you

let me believe  that maybe       there was something there      those times you held   

onto me           outside petrol stations outside gardens and my front porch                            

            cars sped by    traffic lights turned green and leaves    fell in flurries               and

still there we were        standing amidst all that            two slow dancers        remember

that Mitski song

How  she goes: It would be a hundred times easier     if we were younger

                          to think that we could stay the same,               but we are two slow dancers   

              I thought of us             then     two slow dancers        

Stumbling to soft melodies of a song    we did not know           (how could we?)

            And still,         there we were                our bodies clumsy and chaotic like baby horses

Or lambs          have you seen how they nuzzle their noses into each other when they get cold

I thought of us then       huddled up that day    against a world that was cold and barren          and

still        I held onto you                                     at times, I felt it mattered; as if it was the only

thing    that mattered