Content waring: alcohol, sexual language, sexual harrassment, swearing

ScoMo wants to lower drinking age to twelve, following proposal for child forklift operators

“It’s only fair they get treated the same as any other hard-working Australian, which includes the right to Friday knock-offs,” Morrison said. When asked whether asylum seekers and refugees should also have an unrestricted right to work, Morrison claimed his wife Jenny usually deals with that kind of stuff.

— Madison Barr

Social anxieties on campus increase as students report unwritten dress code creates peer pressure.

Student 1, Arts, third year: "I was wearing an Ariana Grande 'Sweetener' concert tee, and people literally stared at me like I was naked. I mean I could be better off walking around naked.”

— Danqing Zhu

Breaking News from Provost: The University of Melbourne to install $60 Kmart air fryers in all student community hubs

Following results of the wildly anticipated university student experience survey, the University reckons this nouveau bachelor approach will combat students’ lapse in academic motivation amidst trialling times. The University continually strives to cater to its vastly Millennial and increasingly Gen-Z student cohort and strongly holds the belief that this unique move will surely offset students’ cries and pleas for financial and academic compensation.

— Ashley Mamuko

A helpful guide to giving off good vibes in your first politics tutorial:

Come prepared with questions that have no relevance to the lecture but make reference to an obscure political theorist. Mention your 95.4 ATAR and then say “but like ATARs don’t ever matter anymore man”. Use as many French words as possible, especially if you don’t know what they mean! Think “laizzez-faire”, “coup d’etat”, “omelette du fromage”.

— Genevieve Byrne

“Broke” residential college student heads out for third karaoke sesh this week

Apparently, having your rent paid for by your folks is not a foolproof way to avoid destitution. This was discovered by an anonymous residential college student who has just, for the third time this week, paid an obscene amount to sit in front of a janky TV with a four-pixel resolution and sing.

He confesses to Farrago that vicariously belting the hit song “I Just Had Sex” with his mates was probably the highlight of the night, given that the karaoke bar does not have seem to have any songs earlier than 2011.

Pondering his bank balance of $36.40, he realises that he cannot possibly thrive in these conditions and vaguely wonders if NFTs would curb this reckless spending.

— Gloria Yu

British citizens shocked by Boris Johnson’s lockdown parties. Not shocked that he had them, but shocked that anyone actually showed up.

“I’m just amazed that the man has enough friends for a party,” said British citizen Hetty Crumpet. “You’d think one of them would have been kind enough to tell him to find a new hairdresser.”

“The man couldn’t even organise Brexit, I can’t imagine how he’d go putting together a menu for everyone’s dietary requirements,” another surprised citizen added.

— Alexia Shaw

The Wiggles’ Hottest 100 win inspires Yo Gabba Gabba to release Megan Thee Stallion cover.

“Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me,” sings Foofa the pink flower bubble, while Muno the red cyclops grinds suggestively in the background.

— Alexia Shaw

Man Raving About Philip Glass Doesn’t Understand Why You Won’t Get Coffee With Him

Music student Jed has been a long-time fan of minimalist composer Philip Glass and it seems as if his life’s mission is to make his superior music taste known to the world and to promote the ingenuity of minimalism.

After explaining the nuances of Glass’ contemporary opera to his crush, a classical cello student, he proceeded to ask if she wanted to grab a coffee at Lionel’s, thinking that he must have impressed her with his in-depth and very niche knowledge. She quickly informed him that she would love to, but unfortunately was busy, and left immediately.

Jed wonders if he should have specified that he would have paid for both of them.

— Gloria Yu

“You’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” Yes, and they are a victim of wage theft.

For too long the shrimp population of Australia has been cast to the side, living under the poverty line. Today we change the narrative, as frying rice is not a skilless position, but the very backbone of this nation’s cuisine...

Shrimp rights are human rights.

— Bayley Horne

Student who submitted timetable preferences during their “new year, new me” phase now holding back tears in 8am tute.

Despite believing it would prevent her from sleeping in until 12pm every day, the naïve second-year student has already used up all her absences.

The early mornings are made far worse by a chirpy as fuck tutor who insists any social issue can be solved by a Foucauldian analysis.

“I think I’m just going to just write this subject off, apparently there’s a really good WAM booster next sem,” she said.

— Madison Barr

Male manipulator on Tinder date hides all trace of his vinyl collection

Self-proclaimed soft boy Tyler was prepping for a possible new fling, when he spotted his extensive vinyl collection on his shelf. Without a moment’s hesitation, he threw it all to the ground and covered it with an old gym towel.

“There’s a whole bunch of stuff in there: Weezer, Tame Impala, Radiohead, Brockhampton, Mac DeMarco, if she sees any of it there’s no chance she’ll want to stay the night.”

No word on whether it worked, but we did hear him mansplain his date’s entire degree to her so things aren’t looking great.

— Bayley Horne

Arts major admits that kombucha tastes like dogshit.

Jacki Fowler (21) shocked her Anthropology tutorial last week after revealing her true feelings on the gentrified tea.

“Look me in the eye and tell me it doesn’t taste like vinegar-flavoured piss,” she exclaimed. “I think I saw mould on the top of one batch. It’s not ‘new age health’, it’s a bioweapon.”

Campus security quickly arrived to remove her before she could do any further damage. Jacki is currently being detained in a maximum-security prison, awaiting trial for crimes against artskind.

— Bayley Horne

Student turns home into a makeshift club for friend’s birthday.

Since indoor dance floors remain closed, Rosie Nelson took it upon herself to give her friend an authentic clubbing experience in the comfort of her own home. She made her friends wait 15 mins before serving them drinks and charged them $20 each for a Vodka Cruiser. For extra flair, she coated her floorboards in a mysterious sticky substance and filled her bathroom with assorted empty glasses, before donning a men’s button down and grinding uncomfortably close to her guests.

“I couldn’t have asked for a better night!” said the birthday girl, all smiles.

— Alexia Shaw