This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. This coming Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, we as a nation will come together and ask: just which one of Australia’s millennials will be the next Masterchef?

Join me as I drink my way through the highs and lows, from the mystery box to the service challenge, and through every single one of the Coles advertisements. 

Featuring judges George, Gary and Matt – or as I’ve come to know them, the short kinda-famous one, the even less famous one and the gargantuan cravat-wearing one. Gather your friends, family and a bottle of your favourite wine as we celebrate all that we’ve come to love about Masterchef. From its now long-outdated Katy Perry theme song, its hammy background music and its heart-wrenching back stories, this show’s got it all. If it doesn’t make you tear up, you’re just not trying hard enough.

Let’s do this.

The Rules: Drink every time…

• Someone uses the phrase “food dream”
• A cloche is in the shot
• A pun related to food or time is used (double if it isn’t from Gary)
• They announce how much time is left
• There’s a flashback to a contestant’s “back story”
• Someone cries
• Coles is mentioned or the Coles brand is seen
• The fiery Masterchef logo cuts to an advertisement 
• Anyone runs back to the pantry or garden = keep drinking until they return
• The following food is made: jus, parfait, chocolate sphere
• The following cooking methods are used: smoking, liquid nitrogen, sous-vide
• Something is foreshadowed with dramatic music
• Someone talks about the “balance” of their dish
• The judges question or confuse contestants during the cook
• Anything is shaped as a dome
• Anything is undercooked or with bones accidentally left in
• Anything is overcooked
• Anything is intentionally smeared onto the plate
• Anything is intentionally served off-centre
• The judges bring the contestants to tears

With my (regrettably) extensive knowledge of Masterchef, I guarantee that these rules will have you suitably shit-faced just in time for Semester Two. Enjoy.