According to sources, University College student Isabella Jonas’ quality of life has been severely diminished following her placement in an unavoidable tutorial at 8am.

“I can’t believe it’s in The Spot!” groaned Jonas, upon realising that the early morning slot was the only one available. “That’s so fucking far, I’ll have to get up at like 7:15!”

“If I want both a shower and a hot breakfast, I’ll have to either shower for only 15 minutes or only grab one round of bacon and eggs” sobbed the depressed student, while simultaneously displaying irritation that the infinite wi-fi network to which she had unlimited access was taking unusually long to process her UberEats payment. “I paid 28K to have as much goddamn bacon and eggs as I want!”

When advised to perhaps get more sleep and wake up earlier, Jonas was described as “outraged at the insensitive comments.”

“It’s not my fault that the 200-odd students my age with whom I can meaningfully interact with incredible ease collectively get smashed the night before!” cried Jonas, with the wide-eyed despondence of a child who arrived late to dinner and couldn’t get a second schnitzel. “I’m just a victim of unfortunate circumstances that have created my shitty situation.”

At press time, Jonas was reportedly messaging one of her 6 college brunch group chats, stating that she would probably miss the next one because she was “so fkn broke fml.”

 
Headline and article by Joel Lee.