In a shocking announcement, the University of Melbourne has revealed the implementation of an anti-cheating software capable of recording every single thought experienced by any given student. Following an outpouring of objections from various student groups, a University spokesperson gave the following statement.

“In this digital age, the methods of cheating available to students have grown immeasurably. The ability to collect comprehensive information about every aspect of our students’ minds is simply the next step in keeping up our efforts to combat these new techniques.”

“The relevant data is collected through special headsets which can pick up an individual’s perceptions, thoughts, and emotions, depressed or otherwise. Data can only be collected while the student is wearing the headset, so yes, you must wear them at all times while you complete assessments.”

“Students will be able to remove the headset any time they participate in a non-assessment activity. The headset also does not affect your ability to see, eat, or listen to lo-fi hip-hop beats to study/relax to. Clearly, incredible care has been taken respecting the freedom of our students.”

“For example, let’s say we take a look at a certain student writing an essay. The data shows us that they actually were feeling positive thoughts for 67 per cent of the assessment period, and a mere seven per cent of their time and brainpower was spent furiously trying to bend sources to support their hypothesis. Then we can say, okay, maybe this student did not follow the expected procedure in completing that assessment.”

At this point, the spokesperson began responding to questions from journalists in attendance.’

Q: “Students use an incredibly varied number of approaches to studying. How do you feel about impacting legitimate but unconventional methods many students may have?”

A: “Back in my day, all you needed for your degree was a pen, paper and the right attitude. Just read the goddamn textbook. Darned millennials.

Q: “How do you feel about concerns regarding the misuse of personal data?”

A: “Don’t worry, I’m not sure there’s a highly lucrative market for that kind of thing. If we really wanted more money, we’d just raise rates for international students anyway.”