According to multiple close sources, Monash University is much more beautiful, spacious and welcoming than the University of Melbourne. These sources, primarily made up of your mates who went to went to Monash, reportedly leave no opportunity to compare the two campuses.

“Half the buildings were actually designed by Zaha Hadid. Our bus loop was the inspiration for the architecture in Blade Runner.” said one mate, sporting a Harvard University hoodie. “The wide-open spaces, the trees, it’s really got a campus feel to it, you know? It must feel so cramped and restrictive up there in Parkville. I’ve heard that can be bad for your learning, like psychologically.”

“There’s a real emphasis on entering full-time positions, practical knowledge, that kind of thing. I suspect our first few years in the workforce will be much more comfortable than yours” said another mate, while sneering at a group of jaffies comparing ATARs. “Also, GYG is better than Zambreros.”

Upon bringing up the considerable distance of Monash’s main campus from the CBD, many of said sources apparently became quite defensive.

“Look.” said your mate who lives in Upfield. “A two hour commute is nothing. If I had a problem sitting down for four hours a day, why would I even go to university. If it wasn’t for public transport, we wouldn’t have Rosa Parks.”