SURELY THIS IS BETTER THAN A ‘HEY X’?

By Teo Jing Xuan

R: hey pretty forward question but its chill so bare with me *laugh emoji*. Basically every girl i’ve been with has said I have a big dick but dk if they are just saying that to be nice cos they are all ex gf’s or really good friends so obvs they would just say its big. If I snap it could u give an honest unbiased opinion?
H: R, you sent my friend you matched with the exact same message. Nice try bud. Just get a fucking ruler.
R: damn caught.

An Ode to Tinder

By Katherine Scott

Phone in hand, glass of wine,
You swipe on some gents,
Oooh damn, he’s fine.
Studies at Melbourne, must be a catch,
Plus he’s got a dog,
Sweeet, it’s a match!
Fuck gender roles, send him a line,
WAIT! He just messaged,
“Babe u up 4 a good time?”
Alright, you’ll admit that wasn’t the best,
When it comes to his grammar, you’re not remotely impressed.
You’ll agree to a date, sort time and a place.
He doesn’t reply, you forget he exists.
Until one day, a familiar face…
He’s sitting in class, man you are pissed!
You make eye contact, cheeks slightly toasted,
He looks away…
#ghosted.

Un-loved Flying Object

By Marta Praticò

A silhouette in the darkness sighs. He scrolls the homepage of his dating app, with the heavy head of an old soul that does not have a life partner as everyone is expecting.
The milky light of the screen takes on a blue hue: his eyes light up.
“Hello! I am a generous creature with a lava heart ;)
I am looking for someone to break my current unsatisfactory relationship, to build a better future, together.
My soulmate does not have to be dirty and MUST be an animal lover (I have so many of them! <3).”
The creature moved a tentacle on his device and some coordinates to reach its imminent conquest appeared on a big screen.
“EARTH”.