In the final, stressful minute before his literature assignment is due, Arts student Wes Wednesday is cool as a cucumber after realising that time does not, in fact, exist.

Having experienced an epiphany only mere hours earlier about the societal construction of time, Wednesday has refused to let stress and other negative emotions enter his consciousness. In doing so, Wednesday argues that time is just a means of dictating people’s individual experiences. 

“If time doesn’t exist, why worry about the submission deadline?” asked Wednesday. He continued to tap leisurely at his laptop—the brightness of the screen reflecting the pure inner light of his soul. “NOW is all there is. It’s all there ever was. There’s no such thing as the past or the future. These are concepts that we’ve been conditioned to believe are fixed realities. We worry so much. We live in fear of the clock, we’re slaves to time. The clock should fear ME! I am real. I am the clock master.” 

Witnesses to Wednesday’s meditative zen responded with varying degrees of awe.

“Wait, he’s not stressed AT ALL? How can you live life stress-free? That’s a preposterous idea,” argued a friend, a Biomedicine student.

A bearded philosophy student, also at the University, exclaimed, “Dude really understands what’s important, man! He gets what’s really real!” while nodding incessantly. “Of course, I couldn’t do it. I actually need to get my degree… for something.” 

Wednesday’s mother had to sit down immediately after hearing her son’s revelation. 

“Obviously this is horrifying,” she said. “If the assignment isn’t good… if it isn’t finished… if it’s late… Oh GOD. He’ll fail the subject, then fail the course, then fail his life. What’s the point? We might as well have sent the cat to university—at least she’s more proactive.”

Wednesday dismissed such negative reactions as signs of ignorant, clock-ruled people.

“Time’s a tricky little illusion… but it’s nothing that a cup of tea and a biscuit can’t help expose,” he said.

There are no further updates at this time.