PARKVILLE—Local student and identical twin Simon Whitaker, 21, confirmed on Monday that he has
discovered the secret to a perfect work-life balance. “It’s taken a few years of trial and error, but
we—pardon me—I have finally struck gold and come across the best way to balance all my competing
commitments,” boasted the at-peace Whitaker to his overwhelmed peer group. “I attend all my lectures
and tutorials; complete all my assignments and pass my exams with flying colours; work twenty-plus
hours a week at my part-time job; apply for relevant internships and graduate programs; spend quality
time with both family and friends; exercise for at least half an hour every day; maintain a well-balanced
diet; keep up with current affairs and popular culture; enjoy time to myself reading or meditating; sleep at
least eight hours every night; and, as a bonus, I can even fit in an episode of a TV series at the end of the
day.” Whitaker says that his new lifestyle has helped to improve his overall satisfaction and wellbeing. “I
used to suffer from crippling stress and anxiety from balancing all my responsibilities; however, with
our—fuck I mean my—new lifestyle, stressful Simon is a thing of the past,” a visibly sweating Whitaker
said. What’s his secret? Whitaker attributes his success to a concept he calls “collaborative time
management”. When asked to elaborate, Whitaker mumbled something about a yoga class before running
away. Simon’s twin brother, Michael, declined to be interviewed, citing the fact that he is a “nocturnal
being”. This story is ongoing.