You thought this day was going to mark the beginning of your journey into self-sufficiency. Whether you memorised every road rule or forged your entire logbook, no amount of driving lessons could have prepared you for the emotional rollercoaster that is failing a driving test.

1. Denial: You’ll aggressively flip through the VicRoads handbook to convince anyone who’ll listen that you did, in fact, have the right of way. You’ll blame the weather conditions, the roadworks and the incompetence of other drivers, refusing to believe that someone with your unparalleled driving ability could make a mistake.

2. Anger: You’ll direct your rage at the Victorian government with a critical analysis of the VicRoads system. How could they possibly have the nerve to fail you after forcing you to log 120 hours of supervised driving? A few personal attacks on the assessor will also likely come into play. As far as you’re concerned, they’re depressed, going through a divorce, and projecting the misery of their unfulfilling existence onto you.

3. Bargaining: You’ll wonder whether slipping the VicRoads worker a 20 will change the fact that they’re “booked out for the next two months”. Who has tomorrow’s earliest appointment? If something were to happen to them, would the time slot be freed up? Asking out of curiosity, of course.  

4. Depression: Assuming you haven’t been jailed for the previous stage, your misery will peak as you anticipate another two months of self-consciously whipping out your learner’s permit when prompted for ID. You’ll regret broadcasting your test date to everyone you know, bracing yourself for their incoming ridicule.

5. Acceptance: Finally, you’ll come to terms with the fact that you must have failed for a reason. Fate works in mysterious ways: perhaps you would’ve reversed confidently out of the VicRoads car park and straight into a family of pedestrians. All that’s left to do now is to press the L-Plates back onto the windscreen of your parents’ SUV and get over it.