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(2 / 5 stars)

U-BAHNHOF KOTTBUSSER TOR, BERLIN 

Terribly unromantic! Couldn’t even have a proper last kiss without a toothless crackhead smashing bottles and yelling at us in German. Even the “it’s not you, it’s me” spiel was ruined by the awful sound of coked-up nightclubbers vomiting in the corner of the station. Shan’t be returning here to break-up with anyone anytime soon! 

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(3.5 / 5 stars)

THE LIVING ROOM AT YOUR PARENTS HOUSE

Positives – a comfortable space, familiar, private. Your cat is there to comfort you!
Negatives – you will think about your break-up every time you enter the room for the rest of your life. Also, your dad might walk in while you’re both crying, which is just embarrassing, because my dad hasn’t seen me cry since I was a child. 

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(1 / 5 stars)

OVER SNAPCHAT

Would rate 0 stars if I could. Humiliating and juvenile! The worst app to get this kind of information. Receiving some dumb photo of your now ex-lover’s face with a caption like ‘we should see other people’ just makes you want to shrivel up and die. Embarrassing!!!

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(3 / 5 stars)

THE CAFÉ AT THE NGV

The coffee is free (if you’re a member of the gallery), which is always a bonus because I hate feeling obliged to pay to exist in a space. However, the lack of windows can make you feel like you’re trapped in a bad-news prison cell. Also, the absence of music and people talking means everyone can – and will – listen to your conversation. At least they have the decency to pretend to read the newspaper, I guess. Great coffee and nice biscuit selection though – shall be making a reappearance here. 

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(1 / 5 stars)

OVER MESSENGER

WHY do people think it’s appropriate to end things over text!!!!!!!! pls do the right thing and just have a conversation FACE-TO-FACE, COWARD!!!1!!