content warning: sexual abuse allegations

Tall, white, rich and handsome movie star Armie Hammer probably going to be fine after latest sexual abuse allegations.

 Following another slate of allegations against a famous beautiful man, reporters expect to see exactly zero consequences for his actions.

 “Okay he’s a bit of a deviant, but have you seen him in The Man from U.N.C.L.E? He’s a certified hottie.”—Jenny, 25 from Melbourne. 

 ‘Coffee and a dart’ approved by Australian Medical Regulator, also Pfizer vaccine.

In a busy week for homegrown and lab-grown remedies, the popular combination of caffeine and nicotine has been certified as a proven miracle cure by the highest medical authority in the land.

 In a mostly ceremonial announcement, the AMR confirmed this week what most Australians already knew—that a dart and a cuppa joe goes down pretty well, aye.

Also, the Pfizer vaccine got approved?????

The AMR celebrated this announcement with kick-ons in the staff kitchen.

At Scott Morrison’s request, Snoop Dogg & Bruno Mars change hit 2011 song to ‘One, Wild and Free’

The move will come weeks after Scott Morrison solved racism in Australia by changing the lyrics of the national anthem to ‘for we are one and free’ in an effort to better reflect the Indigenous history of the land down under.

Continuing a spate of lexical power exertions, the Australian PM has somewhat confusingly reached out to the American musicians. It is understood that Morrison threatened to revoke the American stars’ touring visas to Australia should they not yield to his vocabular demands.

Melbourne residents literally go on holiday to Adelaide now.

In a bizarre twist, Melburnians have jumped at the chance to visit the COVID-safe state of South Australia. Having previously determined Adelaide a sh*thole, many Victorians have grasped eagerly at the opportunity to be anywhere but here with sanitised hands.

Canberra, on the other hand, is still believed to suck.

‘The Dry’ becomes first genuinely good Aussie film since ‘Da Kath & Kim Code‘ (2005)

 Eric “the original Hulk” Bana’s latest movie has been met with near-universal critical acclaim. The thriller has wowed audiences Australia-wide on a scale not seen since the release of the 2005 classic ‘Da Kath & Kim Code’.

A standout element of the movie is Bana’s ripping jawline… I mean gripping plotline.

85% of climate change funding spent on drastic efforts to make Attenborough immortal.

A leaked UN report has revealed that 85% of climate change funding is spent attempting to make David Attenborough live forever. Should making Attenborough immortal be impossible, the report’s appendix discussed alternatives. One option suggests creating Attenborough lookalikes with plastic surgery.

Gates disappointed mind control is so dull.

Sources close to Bill Gates report that the tech giant is unsatisfied with his 5G mind control setup. Apparently, the people Gates can now control are simply not interesting enough. Gates is reported to have remarked “I overestimated the benefit