the cost of living crisis brings the worst out of us all. Over the past four years, it has not always been economically advantageous for me and my partner to get our own place, so we’ve found ourselves with little option left but to get creative on campus. If you too are struggling to make ends meet and find appropriate places to bone where you don’t risk meeting someone’s parents or housemates, feel free to take advantage of our extensive experience and avoid getting caught in the meantime.

arts and cultural building

these are a lot less stinky than the bathrooms in the older buildings. im not sure about anyone else, but the disgusting floor to ceiling magenta colour scheme reminds me of my heyday in my mum’s womb, so it’s comforting in that sense if you’d like to feel closer to your mother while doing the deed. if you’re in that category perhaps consider visiting freud and lacan reading group at the clyde, which will be touched upon later. high foot-traffic area so best to leave this one for 6 pm or later, after all classes finish for the day.

redmond barry

we have colonised every single toilet of every single level on redmond barry. walking up all those stairs to the upper levels is definitely one way to leave her legs shaking. decent chance someone will come into a stall next to you and drop a bass-boosted deuce. nice view of campus below adds to the fun. was better before the doors were alarm trigger happy, so now it’s harder to sneak in. you need to tailgate someone and time your session so that it’s during class.

building 168

if you’ve been traumatised by students’ council before, this is a powerful way of saying ‘fuck you’ to the system. We would highly recommend being strategic and scouting for a bathroom that has sinks on the inside rather than in the corridors in case things get messy. conveniently right by stop 1 for a quick getaway.

amongst the bushes in the alley behind the clyde

best during the evening as not to scar nearby residents or sexless geology students in the mccoy building next door. alternatively and more importantly you may get charged with public indecency, but that’s neither here nor there. freud reading groups can make the best of us feel a bit hot and heavy, especially after using your weekly grocery money to buy a round of pints and a few cheeky darts. also, getting your knees dirty in the bushes with civilisation just next door is like the public sex equivalent to glamping but way less millennial coded.

basement floor bathrooms of union house (rip)

easy to remain anonymous in the disabled bathrooms but this area was frequented by cleaners at all hours of the day. they knew exactly what you were doing no matter how well you acted out having a burst ovarian cyst. no sense of decorum. nowadays, managing to get into the building would be an incredible feat as all secret entrances have now been sealed off by management. what than by crawling through an air vent?

in the bushes around the front of the baldwin spencer building

settled for this location when they upped the security in the redmond barry building. it’s a good feeling, looking up in the middle of a bone bonanza to see lame grad students still hard at work at 11 pm. the gothic architecture is reminiscent of recent robert eggers film nosferatu. your next hinge hookup can be the count orlok to your ellen (or vice versa).

carlton gardens bathrooms

it’s been years since my last visit to these toilets as you need to be astronomically down bad to endure them. their very particular smell has been seared into my nostrils. if they had a fragrantica profile, the notes would be a mix of the ones of toskovat’s inexcusable evil and etat libre d’orange’s secretions magnifiques: murder, blood, iodine and semen. unfortunately there also isn’t a convenient place to place your bag and the floors are constantly wet, so visit empty handed. this is a more anonymous choice during the night as you’re less likely to run into mutuals. plus, there are bound to be crazier things happening nearby...

Farrago disclaimer: some of the activities described herein constitute public indecency, which is illegal.