Yet Another Student Has Been Forced into Small Talk About How Quickly 2022 Has Flown By
“Every year. Every bloody year it’s the same conversation. Yes, I can believe it’s already August. Yes, I can believe it’s the start of Semester 2. Just shut up already,” a disgruntled third year said. First year students are rumoured to still be enjoying this icebreaker, having not yet learned the conventions of university chit-chat.
—Madison Barr
Elderly South Yarra Woman Accuses Kim Kardashian of Cultural Appropriation for Wearing Marilyn Monroe’s Dress
“It’s just so disrespectful to the person this garment was originally made for. It’s in a museum for admiration and education, not for her personal use!” said Deborah Downing. When asked about the Native American war bonnet displayed in her second living room, Downing declined to comment.
—Madison Barr
Three Dead from Starvation After Waiting for “Post-Post-Post-End Credits Scene” in New Marvel Film.
“Just wait guys,” said diehard Marvel fan Steve Stevenson to his friends after Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.
“There’s gonna be another scene. I bet they’ll be introducing Morgan Freeman as Highlighter Man.” The group waited in the cinema for three days, before finally perishing. Their bodies will remain in Cinema 4 for the indefinite future, as Hoyts employees are not paid enough to deal with that shit.
—Alexia Shaw
Kris Jenner Creates “MasterKhef” to Repair Family’s Image
After Kendall Jenner’s disturbing attempt to chop a cucumber drew criticism, Kris has announced a new cooking program to show the Kardashians aren’t as incompetent and out of touch as they appear. The new show, which will feature all of the Kardashians, will include challenges designed to show off the family’s impressive culinary skills. The premiere will feature Kourtney and Khloe’s emotional journey trying to boil a pot of water, while the entire second episode will depict Kim grating a carrot in real time.
—Alexia Shaw
Vegan Destroys Entire Democratic System by Refusing Democracy Sausage
An unidentified woman was stopped on Election Day by polling officials when she attempted to leave the primary school grounds without purchasing a democracy sausage. She was directed towards the small BBQ stall, to which she reportedly responded, “Oh no thanks, I’m vegan.” Voting in the electorate immediately ceased, as did voting across the country. All ballot papers spontaneously combusted, Parliament House crumbled into ruin, the Prime Minister has been flown to a safe location but martial law is now in place, there’s protests in the street, the Farrago office has been barricaded but it won’t hold for long, everything’s on fire oh god—
—Alexia Shaw
Journey of Self-Discovery (AKA Eurosummer) 2022
It’s expected that record numbers of Melbourne Gen Zs will expand their perspectives on life, and perhaps even find themselves, this Eurosummer. With itineraries consisting of going to raves with people they always hang out with, visiting tourist spots for Instagram pics, and speaking as little of the local languages as possible, it’s set to change the way they see the world.
Signs of someone who has a new Eurosummer perspective can include:
Anecdotes about the DJ they saw in Berlin, dropped into completely unrelated conversations
Complaints about the weather because they had become “so used to the summer”
Remarks on how affordable their trip (that may or may not have been paid for by their parents) was, and subsequent explanations of the conversion between the euro and the Australian dollar
—Genevieve Byrne