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News Article

Hocus-Pocus Recipes and Rituals: The Future Is Yours, the Future Is Cheese

Time for cheese to truly do its thing! I am now going to show y’all how to do the impossible: stop time.

ColumnsCreative
Five polaroid pictures on a string: a cheese platter, cemetery, broomstick, cauldron, and owl.

Hello hello! This is your local apothecary and witch Selena Sparklemoon.

I just got back from my great big road trip around the globe with Amon, and it was a blast! We visited so many farmers’ markets, bought so much honey and danced and raved in all the cemeteries worldwide! I wouldn’t have done it without my ol’ family’s recipe for hearty stew—now I have so many wonderful memories with Amon.

Today is Amon’s last day before they have to go to the demon realm for a once in a mortal’s lifetime demon conference. I know, I know, our big road trip was supposed to be a big ol’ goodbye before they left, but I just had too much fun!

I need to know if they’ll be okay. I need to know when they’ll come back. To do that, I’m going to draw on the power of cheese!

You will need the following:

  • Two wheels of cheese—you can make these yourself, but the process takes weeks, and I don’t have time for that! So instead, I’m just going to use the pre-made cheese I bought from one of the farmers’ markets in Greece.
  • Three sprinkles of edible glitter—another must-have from a farmers’ market in Egypt. While it will make the cheese dazzle with brilliance, be careful not to get it everywhere!
  • Nine pinches of thyme—we really want to speed things up!
  • One carving knife
  1. Lay your cheese wheels next to each other.
  2. Sprinkle with edible glitter.
  3. Carve your burning question into the cheese with your knife. For me, I’m going to carve into one wheel, “When will Amon leave the demon conference?” and into the other, “Will Selena Sparklemoon see Amon again?”. Try to be as specific as you can—the more details, the clearer the answer will be!
  4. We’re supposed to wait for mould to grow on the cheese, but that will take ages, and we just don’t have the time! This is what the thyme is for: sprinkle it in a flurry and keep applying until you see the first signs of mould begin to take hold. Sprinkle more intensely until the mould is fully formed.
  5. The mould should be in the shape of your answer—in this case I got two, one on each wheel of cheese!

Alrighty, I will be right back, gotta take a look-see at these answers. Hopefully they’re the ones I’m looking for!

***

Okay, this is bad—I’ve repeated the recipe nine times, but the answer’s always the same! I’m probably never gonna see them again! They’re gonna be stuck in that demon conference for at least six decades, and then after that there’s the centennial hellfire festival that lasts for another 66 years. I’ll be an old hag by the time they come back, if I’m even alive at all!

I have to do something! Should I call Peppermint? Maybe their wish magic could help? No that won’t work—Peppermint has told me time and time again that any wish magic that messes with time could have disastrous consequences for the space-time continuum!

What do I do then? How do I spend more time with Amon? Am I really ready to say goodbye to them like this?

No, this calls for drastic measures—time for cheese to truly do its thing! I am now going to show y’all how to do the impossible: stop time.

You will need the following:

  • One wheel of cheese—farmers’ market to the rescue!
  • Nine sprinkles of edible glitter—we’re going in bold. Who cares if we mess up the house!
  • One whole bottle of thyme—desperate times call for desperate measures!
  • One carving knife—sharpest one I got, it’s gotta count!
  1. Get your cheese wheel in position.
  2. Sprinkle with edible glitter like wildfire!
  3. Carve two words into the cheese, big bold letters now. “STOP TIME”.
  4. Dump the whole bottle of thyme on top and spread with your knife.
  5. Mould should be covering the words “STOP TIME” in glowing shades of green.

Let’s see if it worked! I’m going outside to check on Amon, pronto!

***

Things are worse! Time has indeed frozen, but so has Amon!

This won’t do! There’s no point to an endless day of fun if Amon isn’t here to enjoy it with me…

Guess it’s time for one more wheel of cheese.

  1. Repeat steps 1 through 4 in the previous recipe—the one about stopping time—but carve “RESUME TIME” instead.
  2. Mould should be covering the words. Time should be back. Amon should hopefully be back too.

I can see through the window Amon is flying around again, as if nothing ever happened. That’s good, good news! I’m heading out the door, time to give my bestie the biggest hug ever!

…Why do I hear sirens?

***

Bad news, I’m going to witch jail for using cheese to mess with time—apparently that’s illegal.

See ya next time as I tell ya how to make jam to get us out of this sticky situation!

 
Farrago's magazine cover - Edition Five 2022

EDITION SIX 'RETROFUTURISM' AVAILABLE NOW!

Our last print edition of 2022 is here! This wild, visionary edition is filled with burning nostalgia, glittering hope, and tantalising visions of the future, past, and present.

Read online