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Infamous Alumni! UniMelb's Best and Brightest!

Mathilda Stewart

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1. Head of Architecture at Yeezy, Bianca Censori graduated from UniMelb with a Bachelors and Masters in Architecture. Her accolades have even afforded her a coveted spotlight among Kanye’s usual IG fare of Nazi dogwhistles. Happy birthday to the most beautiful super bad iconic muse inspirational talented artist masters degree in architecture 140 IQ … How romantic! Nothing quite stirs the loins like antisemitism!

2. Melbourne ravehead and part time Ecuadorian Julian Assange dropped out of this esteemed establishment in the mid 2000s. While at uni, Assange was VP of the Mathematics and Statistics Society and organised their annual puzzle hunt. Assange was quickly disillusioned by the academy’s work for military and defence contractors at home and abroad, once describing a group of senior physicists as “snivelling fearful conformists of woefully inferior character.” While he may have objected to weaponds dealings, his moral rectitiude allegedly does not extend to matters of sexual consent.

3. Former criminal barrister Nicola Gobbo / Lawyer X / Informer 3838 first came to police attention when her Rathdowne Street house was raided for $82,000 worth of methamphetamines in 1993. All in a day’s work for this law student, Farrago editor and unwitting police informant! Ever since her identity was revealed in 2018, Gobbo has lived in hiding overseas, fearing retribution from her past high-profile gangland clients.

4. The University of Melbourne holds a special place in its heart for transphobes, or more specifically a special place in its payroll. Proud members of the UnimelbxTERF community in- clude Germaine Geer (alumni), Sheila Jeffreys (staff), and currently the beloved Associate Professor of Political Philosophy Holly Lawford Smith. Nothing says Big Name on Campus like getting a special shoutout from Judith Butler.

5. Pascoe Vale’s resident CIA operative (and landlord) Peter Khalil graduated with degrees in law and arts in 1996. Prior to selling out to the US, Khalil was a small time tennis player, ranked at one point no. 25 in Australia. Perhaps taking inspiration from his party leader Albo, Khalil too has tracked the path from public housing to investment property ownership. Khalil has been the member for the seat of Wills since 2016, engaged in a long struggle to convince northside-residing students of his alma mater to stop voting for the pesky Greens political party.