Food Blogger Makes Salad Using ACNE Studio Scarves, Because It’s Still Somehow Cheaper Than Lettuce

On Monday internet blogger Penny Lu released a brand new salad recipe that won’t break the bank. She recommended dousing a variety of ACNE Studio scarves, which retail for $440 each, in a zesty dressing of balsamic, olive oil, and wholegrain mustard. The perfect winter-warmer, wrote Lu, before she choked to death on a clump of fuchsia mohair.

—Alexia Shaw

Louis Theroux Spits Mad Bars in Latest Elvis Soundtrack Drop

Since everyone and their mum seems to have snagged a spot on the album for Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis, it comes as no surprise that the latest addition is a song by none other than critically-acclaimed rapper and Fiat owner Louis Theroux. Mr Jiggle Jiggle himself goes back to his roots with his rendition of ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’, singing the touching lyrics of “wise man said, 6 ft. 2 in a compact”. Let’s just hope he got paid in money that folds.

—Alexia Shaw

Twitter Realises That Elon Musk Is Actually That One Flaky Friend We All Have

In leaked text message screenshots between the two tech giants, Twitter can be seen asking Musk “where r u?? I’ve got our contracts”, with Musk responding “ohmygod so sorry bestie I couldn’t make it today!! Hope you’re not already on your way xx”. Twitter then sent several texts to Musk over the next two weeks, but were unsurprisingly left on read.

—Alexia Shaw

Full-Time Lecturer and Facebook Mum Tries to Connect With Students Through Cat Gifs and Minion Memes

After over two years of recycled lecture recordings, a UniMelb course coordinator decided it’s time to spice up her content for face-to-face learning. “My son told me my memes aren’t dank enough, but I always get a smile from the nice young girl at the front,” she said.

—Madison Barr

Scomo Gives TED Talk on the PM-to-Cult-Leader Pipeline

Speaking at TEDxCronulla, the Liberal Party leader-turned-backbencher outlined how he has pivoted his career towards spruiking an anti-government agenda,  whilst remaining a member of the Australian parliament.

“When you experience an inverse miracle, or what some might call a “lost election”, it would be easy to leave the parliament altogether… But my top tip for inciting distrust in government is to stay involved in politics.”

The seven-minute speech, which also included a musical interlude of Christian hymns with guitar and vocals by the man himself (God), and the sharing of holy communion, captured the 250-strong audience who attended the church service TED talk at Saint Scott’s church on Sunday.

He concluded by reinforcing the importance of mistrust in the government,

“I should know, I was the government. And you wouldn’t trust me would you? Look at me, I’m a middle aged white man with limited credentials trying to tell other people how to live their lives… God and Jesus on the other hand, those are the guys you should be putting your trust in.”

—Genevieve Byrne

French Scientist Confused Between Gastronomy and Astronomy

Etienne Klein posted a photo of a piece of chorizo sausage to Twitter, purporting it to be a James Webb telescope view of the sun.

“I am French, food is the centre of my universe.”

—Genevieve Byrne

NRL Players Sign a Petition for All Future Sponsorships to Come Exclusively From Betting Companies

The petition, which has 2000 signatures so far, also calls for greater representation of betting ads on NRL jerseys.

“We know that we’re role models in the community and we want to make sure we’re pushing the right message… and that message is that betting is cool.”

Some have even called for a greater diversity of gambling ads.

“We really want to see all types of gambling represented because we’re all about inclusion.”

—Genevieve Byrne

UniMelb Graduate, Now Relationship Coach, on How to Find Love in Uni

Interview Transcript:

“I mean, it really depends on what type of relationship you’re looking for. If you’re the type of girl/guy/gay that’s into a late-arvo reading sesh on South Lawn (where you can’t see shit because the sun sets at 5), then you’ll probably have the best chance bumping into someone at a Fitzroy thrift shop. Best tip for you is to stroll through absolutely every single thrift shop with a bouquet of sunflowers for the aesthetics and wearing some “Naarm-core” New Balance 452s.

“If you fantasise about a relationship where you hold your partner’s hand while confidently taking down a 3.2 million modern brutalist house in an eastern suburb property auction, make sure you only hang around with commerce people from now on. No more Baillieu. No more Castro’s Kiosk. Strictly GIBLIN. Make sure you make the STOCKS app your ONLY shortcut on your iPhone, oh no, SAMSUNG. Yep, that’s how we do it. Because we are smarter, techy-ier and BETTER.

“If you’re thinking about shooting your shot at an International student… now quit that Macca’s run that you used to do with your high school sweetheart. Follow an ‘Explore Melbourne with Me’ page on TikTok, and go to EVERY restaurant mentioned. No luck? Do a rotation and go through the list again. Remember to study the bubble tea menu and develop a personality analysis for each ‘extra topping’. This will find you an “extra sugar, no pearls” international, for sure…”

—Danqing Zhu