Ormond College Student “Too Poor” to Pay for Uber Home
Despite his parents paying all accommodation fees, Charles insists he cannot afford a $14 Uber to Smith Street. “I even had 2-minute noodles for dinner!” he exclaimed, forgetting to mention this was because he refused the lamb roast in the dining hall.
Subaru Forester Driver Surprisingly Not a Lesbian
“Check out my new wheels!” shouted Bridget Smithe, who recently posted a photo of her newly christened 1994 Subaru Forester on Instagram. She’d been eyeing off an SUV for years and stumbled across this beauty, not knowing the strong connection to the lesbian community.
“I had a lot of people congratulating me on coming out, even my boyfriend said he was supportive! Honestly I just liked the seat covers."
Ash Barty Retiring Encourages Others to Quit While They’re Ahead
The recent announcement of Ash Barty’s retirement from tennis at the height of her career has inspired other Australians to similarly bow out of responsibilities after peaking too early. First-year student Hailey Pimento told Farrago about her decision to drop out of university after receiving an H1 on an essay in first semester. When asked for a comment on her decision, Pimento said: “To quote the wise words of Ms Barty herself—‘I just know I’m absolutely spent. I know physically I have nothing more to give and that for me is success.’”
Honestly if You’re Triple Vaxxed and Still Haven’t Had COVID It’s Kinda Embarrassing
Like where have you been these past two years? Do you have any friends? Surely your bedroom wall can’t be that interesting? Go out to a club, rub up against everyone at the Queen Vic Markets, fuck masks.
Would you rather get covid and maybe face a lifetime of suffering long-lasting side effects which will ruin your quality of life or would you rather be lame and boring?
The choice is yours.
Oxford Dictionary Coins the Term “McVegetarian”, for People Who Are Vegetarians 100% of the Time, Except at Maccas After a Night Out
In response to the rise of drunk vego friends ordering McChickens after a night out of clubbing, the reputable dictionary has added the word “McVegetarian”, and these individuals can be seen on Smith St and Spencer St in the early morning hours. A case study of this phenomenon was seen at 1am last Thursday, when a black-out drunk Gabriel Waters stood at the electronic menu screen and loudly declared “fuck it, I’m just gonna order nuggets.” The next day Waters was seen paying two dollars extra for oat milk at brunch, before loudly complaining about the lack of vegan options on campus.
Bookies Hate Him: Man Finally Wins Multi-Bet on His 473rd Attempt
After two years and thousands of dollars, Brett Hatman finally managed to win money betting on his beloved Hawks.
“Fuck me it was good, you know all my mates kept saying ‘Brett you aren’t gonna win a 15-legger’ but fuck do they know, welcome to the winners circle baby!”
He proceeded to lose all his money betting his winnings on a random Korean badminton match.
Final Semester Student Embarks on Severely Delayed Hoe Phase
After spending the first two years of her degree overseas due to border closures, a final-semester student is attempting to cram every missed experience into her last months at university.
“She’s always asking me whether I want to go out,” said one exasperated friend. “It’s a Monday night and I’m doing like, two internships. We’re not first-years anymore.”
University Searching for Volunteer Tour Guides to Take Students to New Zambreros
Since discovering that 90% of the questions flooding Stop 1 were regarding the new location of Zambreros, and the other 10% were “where the fuck is the ERC?”, the University has established a volunteer program to help address these concerns, calling on more worldly students to take tour groups of people to the takeaway favourite’s new location. The tours will collect burritoless students from outside the vacant hole Zambreros has left in Union House, before leading them to the new spot. All tour guides will be given a megaphone, a fluoro vest, and sense of pride from aiding their community in such a noble manner.
Budding Entrepreneur Sells Positive COVID Tests on FB Marketplace
While in quarantine after having contracted COVID at a college party, second-year Commerce student Cody James was struck by a brainwave.
“I sent my tutors pictures of my positive test, and bam, extensions,” he explained enthusiastically to Farrago. “That’s when I realised-positive tests are a valuable commodity, man.”
Using his own diseased body as the means of production, our budding entrepreneur now generates at least 20 positive RATs daily. He then lists them on FB Marketplace, where they are quickly snapped up by desperate procrastinators.
Penniless Student Unimpressed by Met Gala Outfits
As the 2022 Met Gala rolls around, broke university students around the world have transformed overnight into experts in haute couture.
Dressed in a $12 Kmart hoodie and SHEIN sweatpants, and clutching a bowl of Indomie, one first-year has settled in for an evening of criticising outfits that cost more than her yearly rent.
“The theme is Gilded Glamour and they’re all in black?” scoffs our young Miranda Priestly, rolling her eyes. “Ridiculous.”
Nearly every celebrity receives such dismissal, with the exception of Billie Eilish, whose outfit our critic begrudgingly admits is “ period-accuratish”.