Photography by Jayden Alexander

Sayang is also a cat.

Sayang in the Malay language, when used as a noun, can be a term of endearment—similar to ‘darling’. But as a verb, sayang carries with it the duality of both love and sorrow. To sayang something is to love it; and when it’s gone, to sayang is to regret its departure. How can the word for love also mean to feel guilty for not loving enough? Perhaps we can’t ever love enough. After all, love wasn’t enough to bring a dead cat back to life. 

Sayang was a black stray cat who lived at my school. Every morning as the blue sky crept across the horizon, I’d walk onto campus and, lounging somewhere by the stairs, would be Sayang. He had a small tear on his ear which was how I identified him from the other black cats on campus. He was also the only cat who would happily welcome pats and rubs from any stranger. The other cats were named Ondeh Ondeh, Baobei, and Sotong. 

It was always a delight to spot the cats roaming about. Often, it would be Sayang, and I would give him a few pats before heading off to class. On some evenings, after a gruelling day of studying, I’d squat beside him to feed him dinner, watching as he gobbled up the tiny pellets–I couldn’t imagine it would taste good, but he seemed to like it enough. More than the food though, Sayang loved treats. The type of treats that came in tube-like packaging which would be fed to him as he licked away at the plastic. 

Sayang to me is an action —the image brought up in my mind is that of stroking a cat. For a word meaning so much, it also means to soothe or the action of soothing someone. It is the pats on a baby’s back, lulling them to sleep. Or the hushing of a child’s cries when they’ve fallen over. It is the love a parent has for their child, the love a caretaker has for a cat. You can sayang a cat and it will sayang you in return. 

Sayang and Baobei were often caught in tussles, screaming matches or heavy side-eye showdowns from across the pavement. Ondeh Ondeh would sleep on chairs, behind tables, tucked away from view but every so often, they’d make an appearance. 

Before I graduated, I remember patting Sayang every day of my exams for good luck, often arriving way before the crowd to see swarms of students doing the same. On the days that he wasn’t present, I wondered what adventures he was on, what parts of the campus he had discovered which none of us would ever know about. He eventually became incredibly comfortable with humans, rubbing his head onto hands or legs as a request for pats, which of course, were never denied. 

After my graduation, I would periodically get updates about the cats on Instagram. At times, it would be memes of the cats, other times it would be shoddy videos attempting to capture them before they disappeared into the shadows. The account has since been archived, since the college was demolished last year, and most of the cats were rehomed. All except for one. 

Sometime in early February 2023, a story was uploaded, announcing the unfortunate passing of Ondeh Ondeh from a lung infection. Although I hadn’t spent time with the cats in a while, I could tell how much this loss meant to the admins of the account—one of whom was a dear friend of mine. It was a fairly sudden affair; the vet visits, medical updates, the announcement of Ondeh Ondeh’s departure. 

Following this announcement, a temporary memorial was made for Ondeh Ondeh. Flowers and notes were left on the table she frequented. Ondeh Ondeh’s goodbye, now archived on Instagram, includes the last heartfelt statements from the account’s admins: ‘All I have of her is a box of ash, some fur and memories. But I’ll cherish them forever.’ ‘One day I will see you again. But until then I’ll think of you every time the moon shines brightly and every time I pet a cat that’s too skinny.’

The companionship of a friend, whose journey first started as a stranger, tamed with patience and love and time. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery writes in The Little Prince, ‘To become spring means accepting the risk of winter’. To sayang in the present tense is to love something, and thus when it’s gone, and the love has soured into grief, to sayang is to have cherished.