Bus 304 turned on to Blue Avenue, where an old vintage shop stood, only a couple of blocks from the beach. Kyoo leaned further against the window to steal a glance at the view. A wave of melancholic familiarity washed over him. Unlike the first time he looked out onto Blue Avenue, the sun hid away from his presence. Five summers ago, it was bright and beaming, but as Kyoo looked out of the window, he saw a curtain of gloomy grey clouds draped across the sky. There was a thin layer of sadness, the type of sadness that lingers after a romance torn by fate, that had veiled over the street. 

He was met with the cold and raging ocean winds as soon as he got off the bus. Instinctively, he searched for his beloved yellow scarf—the same scarf he had lost along with the man he had once loved. The wind came from behind him, yet it felt as though it was pulling him away, pleading him to leave this blue street. He ignored it. He needed to see the store one last time. He needed to see Soule.

The vintage store hadn’t changed. It possessed the same comforting feeling he had felt when he walked in for the very first time, like the warmth of a fireplace on Christmas eve, the warmth of a lover hugging you from behind, caressing you, making you feel at home. 

Kyoo made his way to the entrance, but he found his steps lagging and his heart beating louder in his chest. The door was open, welcoming him inside, but instead of walking in, he felt himself halt. It was as if there was a barrier between him and the store, and all he could do was watch the place from outside. He wanted to remember the store for what it was, to draw from inside his mind his most cherished memories—when Kyoo had first walked into the store and Soule had showed him around; when Soule had bought him the necklace that still hung from his neck; when he read with Soule at his favourite corner for the first time; when Kyoo realised that he liked Soule, his first guy crush; when they had kissed for the very first time…

He saw his former lover behind the counter. His hair was a dark brown, no longer the dyed red he fondly remembered. He was too busy assisting a customer to notice Kyoo. Soule was smiling at them in his customary way—his eyes creased like two crescent moons, his signature dimple appearing and then just as suddenly disappearing at the corner of his cheek. Kyoo almost missed it. The customer walked out, and Soule’s eyes followed them only to be met with Kyoo’s. For the briefest of moments, it was summer in Blue Avenue all over again; it was the summer where they had met for the first time. 

***

Kyoo and Soule were back at the bench. Their bench. A lemon tree now grew in place of the mandarin tree that had been there for as long as Kyoo could remember. It was there when they sat down at this bench for the very first time, and it was there when he and Soule broke up nearly a year and half ago. Kyoo sat closest to the lemon tree. The sky seemed to grow darker faster than it had on their first time here together, as though the sun had retired from slowing down time for them.

“You’re wearing the necklace,” Soule said, after an awkward moment of silence between the two. Kyoo watched the cold breath escape his lips before looking down to where the necklace laid against his chest. It was a dreamcatcher necklace Soule had bought for him on his 19th birthday. He gently caressed its fading purple feathers, his fingers reaching out to the remnants of the memory, before it completely vanished away with the colour. 

“Yeah,” Kyoo replied, the word almost inaudible against the wind.

Another quiet moment passed. This time, Kyoo was the first to break the silence. “How’s your family?” 

“My dad’s sick,” Soule scoffed. “Deserved, if you ask me.”

Kyoo didn’t know how to respond to that. Deep down, he knew Soule wasn’t wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to agree with him out loud. He didn’t want to expose the pent-up hatred he possessed for Soule’s dad, especially when he knew that there was a part of Soule that still loved him regardless. 

Kyoo recalled the day that Soule had brought him home to meet his family. He was excited to meet Soule’s dad back then, as he had heard the most loving things about him. He was, in fact, wonderful, or at least seemed so at first, until things started to take a turn. Kyoo had never truly forgiven him for the subtle little comments he had directed at them, for questioning their relationship, for adding fuel to Soule’s anxiety, for making Soule more and more distant, for breaking them apart… 

He felt Soule’s gaze on him, and he heard him whisper his name, and all he wanted was to hear that symphony again, an entire orchestra which had spawned the day redheaded Soule had first smiled at him. He desired to feel it echo within him once again, but it was quiet between his ribs, like a graveyard, and all he could feel was pain. His eyes were glued to his fingers, which fidgeted with the ends of his skirt, unable to look up at his former lover like he used to. 

A small part of Kyoo wanted Soule to say that he still loved him, and that he wanted a second chance. 

But instead, Soule said, “Kyoo, I’m engaged.”

Oh.

“I’m getting married at the end of the summer.”

Oh…

“Yua. She's the store owner’s daughter.”

***

Kyoo loathed his former lover’s dad, but there was a small part of him that resented Soule for everything. Kyoo’s mind spiralled back down to what felt like the coldest night. He resented Soule for distancing himself, and he resented him more for still having a valid reason for it; he resented Soule for easily giving in to his father’s manipulative words, for leaving Kyoo to deal with the pain on his own, and silently ending their relationship months before they officially broke up; he resented Soule for being in love with someone else exactly a year after their silent breakup; he resented Soule for moving on from what they had, for making it seem like what they had was never real, for making it seem like Kyoo was merely a dirty little secret. 

He resented Soule for expecting him to move on from them, when Kyoo remained trapped between the pages of their love: when they had first met outside the vintage store that summer. Kyoo had watched as Soule was kicked out by the owner, thinking he was shoplifting, but quickly learned it was because Soule had been staying in the store after closing hours. He was still in the moment when they introduced themselves for the first time,Soule had mentioned  that he was a regular at the store, and that he would always crawl under the shelf of dreamcatchers to read a book. He was still in the moment where he asked Soule what his favourite book was and Soule had given a list, one of them being I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson. Kyoo remembered wanting to tell him that it was his favourite book in the world, that he loved, loved, loved Noah and Jude Sweetwine like they were two souls ripped out from his own. He remembered wanting to tell him that he had a crush on Oscar but never told anyone, not that he ever entirely admitted it himself back then. He was still there, living and reliving the moments of him and Soule that had awoken a glorious symphony in his heart that he missed so much.

***

Kyoo heard himself say, “I’m moving to Paris.” He finally looked up at the engaged man next to him, an unreadable expression on his face. “I got a job offer. I’m leaving by the end of summer.”

A soft smile found its way to Soule’s face. “That’s great, Kyoo. I’m proud of you. I really am.” 

Kyoo nodded, trusting his words one last time.

There was a long list of reasons why Kyoo could hold a grudge against his former lover for the rest of his life, but there was a part of him, a strong part of him, that could never bring himself to hate him—especially when part of him still yearned for what they had; especially when he knew this would be the last time he’d see him.

The sun had tucked itself under the quilt of ocean waves. 

“I should probably head home.”

Soule looked at him and then at his hands, and for a moment Kyoo thought he was going to hold them, to give him a reason to stay longer. But he didn’t. 

“I should probably go back in as well.”

“Yeah, before your future father-in-law kicks you out for slacking,” Kyoo said, a hint of mischief in his tone. He had to tease him one last time.

Soule chuckled, his eyes once again crinkling like two crescent moons. He had made Soule chuckle, and he promised to cherish this moment forever—he kept it safe along with the rest of the fond memories he shared with Soule.

One last quiet moment passed between them.

“Good luck with everything.” Soule whispered, getting up from the bench.

“You, too.”

Soule nodded, the smile lingering on his face as he walked away and back into their beloved vintage store.