the grub

“How I sleep at night”: Exclusive Q&A With A Metro Ticket Inspector

27 March 2018

They are foreboding, menacing figures. They inspire fear in the hearts of innocent, broke students and clueless baby boomers alike. They prey especially on the young, the vulnerable, the disorganised, and those generally having a shit day. The thought of being approached by a Metro ticket inspector inspires terrifying nightmares in every Melbourne public transport passenger. But does their horrifying vocation inspire similar nightmares in themselves? Do they have even an ounce of sympathy for the countless weeks they’ve ruined? We sat down with an average Metro ticket inspector to uncover the inside scoop on their inner thoughts.

How did you find yourself in this job?

Ever since I was a very young child I’ve always had this sort of… lust for power and intimidation. It all started in primary school. I grew faster than the other kids and enjoyed looming over them in the playground and asking them to give me their tuckshop money. In high school, I lost that advantage and became a nobody. And when I graduated, instead of becoming a successful professional or entrepreneur like all the smart nerdy kids, there was just nothing much for me to do but use my intimidation skills for the sake of the greater good, for the sake of the honoured, the sacred Public Transport authority of Victoria.

Do you ever feel bad about ruining people’s days?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations.

Do you think innocent public transport users should be in a constant state of fear?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations.

What if I’m a uni student but I just forgot my concession card?

How am I supposed to believe your claims that you are supposedly a ‘student’ if you don’t have a Public Transport Victoria issued concession card?

I have my learners permit showing that I’m a young person, my university student card proving that I’m a student, and a heavy backpack full of university library textbooks?

How do I know you’re not lying?

But what if they’re just having a shitty day and forgot to touch on/bring their concession card and it was just one time?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations.

Do you have any compassion at all?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations.

How do you sleep at night?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations. Can I see your ticket please?

Are you even human?

If you don’t have a valid ticket when travelling on public transport, or don’t show your ticket on request, you may have committed an offence under the Transport (Compliance and Miscellaneous) Act 1983 or its regulations.

We were unable to complete the interview due to the Metro Ticket inspector repeatedly asking for a form of identification and threatening to call the police.


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