Nonfiction

What the Fridge?

30 November 2013

If you’ve ever taken a gander inside a sharehouse refrigerator then you too have felt the nausea, lightheadedness and fear that grips you like a vice and shakes you to your core. Your nostrils burn, your eyes water, your gag reflex activates. You think, ‘it smells like something died in here’. And you’re right—something did die. In a factory farm. Then it was sold at the Woolworths deli and purchased by a 20-year-old who put it in the back of their fridge and forgot about it. Leaving it to die another foul death.

You’ve probably also been the one to leave half a block of cheese on the shelf because you’ll sort it out later. Sharehouses are great, but for some reason they are always messy germ parties represented best by the humble refrigerator. The worst part is that it seems to stem from the typical Gen-Y mindset of ‘hey let’s be lazy, disgusting slobs because YOLO’.

But since when does living life to the fullest mean being an unsanitary jerk? Bear Grylls cuts open camels for sleeping bags and drinks his own piss and I’m sure he has time to get out the fucking spray-and-wipe. YOLO is just a pseudo-poetic existential excuse to smoke a joint/play GTA/lurk on Tumblr/jerk off without looking like a selfish bastard.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m no stranger to leaving the odd jar of feta on the shelf for months or the coriander in the crisper until it leaks strange juices everywhere.

All I ask is that housemates have a little respect for the people they live with. Hey, why not instead of downloading porn you download some good manners and give your shelf a wipe down? You only live once.

In the interests of protecting this one life, I’ve compiled a list of some items you should stay the hell away from:

THE SEEMINGLYINNOCENT TUB OF SOUR CREAM

You’ll find this guy chilling at the back looking like he’s fresh and ready to be added to a Mexican feast. But peel back the foil and you’ll find that he looks more like guacamole—and not in a good way.

THE NEEDEDONECARROT-SO-BOUGHT-A-KILO CARROTS

These carrots have been there a looooong time. It could be weeks, actually it’s probably months. The owners felt like making a salad one time, saw that Coles had bags for $1 and thought, ‘oh I’ll definitely use these again’. You know that a carrot isn’t a carrot anymore when it is so floppy that it can put its legs behind its head.

THE I’LL-EAT-IT-EVENTUALLY BOLOGNESE

A (most-likely male) housemate bought a shit-ton of mince and made enough pasta to feed Tasmania. He would have said ‘this will be dinner for the rest of the week’, then realised that eating the same thing every night sucks. Bolognese is sneaky because it somehow continues to look delicious for far longer than it tastes delicious. Approach with caution.

THE ALDI BEER

This isn’t so much a hygiene thing as a self-respect thing.

THE NEGLECTED CRISPER

Promise me you won’t ever, EVER look in the crisper. Just don’t. The only people who understand how to use the crisper properly are mums and that’s it. For students it’s like a magical drawer that you can put whatever you want in and it will stay fresh forever. Sure, it will stay fresh forever… if forever is two weeks.

THE UNIDENTIFIED GELATINOUS SUBSTANCE THAT LOOKS LIKE CUSTARD BUT ISN’T

A very serious one. This has happened on many occasions in my house. This substance is probably home to intelligent life. The only thing you can do is put on some gloves and a face mask and sneak it into a neighbour’s bin before it uses its powers of mind control on everyone.


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