horoscopes

Horrorscopes

2 July 2015

Aries

Aries: the Ram – more like the Ram-ifications of your actions. Check yourself before you wreck yourself – your competitive nature usually works in your favour, but this month the Moon has turned your luck. Anything you try before May will result in doom, so lock yourself in a basement with some tin cans, because you are a diabolical hazard to everyone, especially yourself.

Taurus

On May 5, a full moon in Venus will trigger your spirit animal to viciously attack. We know you haven’t been yourself lately, and with the Sun near Scorpio, your Bull is about to call bullshit. Avoid wearing red and eliminate all stomping moves from the d-floor, lest you desire your inner Matador to be Mata-gored.

Gemini

Watch your back, Gemini! As the Sun nears Venus, the number of Geminis in the world is about to double. Before May 2, your reflection will take on a life of its own and, spoiler alert, Reflection-You is crazy. If you see subtle delays in your reflected movements, or hear soft knocking coming from within your mirror – run. Stay away from all reflective surfaces; this is the one month where breaking mirrors could save your life.

Cancer

Sweet Cancer, your sensitive spirit is usually a gift. But this month, beware of hyper-emotional doom. Perhaps you are sad because the newest iOS update erased your Candy Crush progress, or maybe it’s because everyone will be in Europe for your birthday, but because the Moon is in your house of emotions, this month you risk literally drowning in your own tears. If there was ever a bad time to cry, it is now.

Leo

Leo the glorious Lion – whose planet is the Sun and element is Fire. We get it, you are Mufasa. But be warned, with an unusual eclipse scheduled for June 2, your light will be shadowed by a darkness. What darkness, we cannot be sure. But stay away from men with scars, and lions named Scar.

Virgo

Virgo, you little shit! With caring, gentle characteristics too good to be true, and a birthstone that sounds just a little too much like ‘sardonic’, we don’t trust you – especially not when your Moon nears Jupiter! This month, you will be your own unravelling. The horror, I fear, is you. The only escape is to go down to the courthouse and change your birth date. We recommend November 14.

Libra

The Sun is visiting Venus, which will leave you feeling unbalanced this month. Literally, prepare to fall. A lot. To balance out your inner Scale, consider wearing Power Balance bracelets on your left arm – the more the better. But don’t worry, with the full moon illuminating your house of style, it’ll become a trend in no time!

Scorpio

This month, horror comes to Scorpio in the form of a Scorpion sting. Just kidding – if only it were that easy! No, it will actually come in the form of your Chinese Horoscope counterpart: the Pig. Don’t be fooled by its gentle demeanour – the Pig will not hesitate to cut a bitch. There’s a reason so many people don’t eat Pork: it’s not about religion, it’s about karma. Watch your back and skip the bacon.

Sagittarius

Woah there, Sagittarius! Take a step back this month – we know how much you love change, but this month it will become your undoing. As the Sun closes in on Gemini, stay away from changing rooms, change.org, people asking for spare change, “change a lightbulb” jokes and ‘Changes’ by David Bowie.

Capricorn

You’re serious and professional and your favourable colour is ‘brown’ – you are so Yuppie it’s Capri-corny. We really don’t want a sequel to American Psycho this month, but with the Sun near Cancer, we are afraid your inner crazy is getting Patrick Batemanesque. We highly recommend taking this month off work – you’re welcome.

Aquarius

We hate to be the Water Bearer of bad news, but Uranus is in your first house of finance, and as the old saying goes: With Uranus comes crippling debt. In order to escape a lifetime of living off Ramen, try asking your generous Sagittarius friends for some spare change.

Pisces

If Pisces is rubber, then Virgo is your glue. This month, as Jupiter nears Neptune’s moon, you might just find yourself being catfished by a Virgo near you. Take special care to examine the birth dates of your Tinder matches. In fact, if you are currently speaking to someone so cute it’s a little suspicious, chances are you’ve already been Fished.


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