Film

The Worst Part About Being a Stormtrooper

25 February 2016

The worst part about being a Stormtrooper is needing to pee. Think about it.

The rigid white plate that covers my pelvis holds my junk so firmly in place that it practically inverts. Every time I need to take a leak, my standard issue belt needs to be unclasped so carefully and slowly around the back that it can take up to five minutes to remove it. Once I was in such a rush to take a wizz that I forgot my blaster was clipped onto the back of my belt and nearly shot myself in the foot!

What’s even worse is that with a helmet on, aiming is almost impossible. I have to stand a metre back from the bowl just to see which direction the stream is heading in. The poor blokes in sanitation have had to scrub my piss off the walls more times than you could count.

And you’d think they’d give us some time out of those suits to sleep. Wrong again!

We’re allowed to remove our helmets to sleep but otherwise, unless we’re showering, the suits stay.

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to run to the loo. You’re half asleep and stumbling. Your belt won’t unclasp and you’re leaking in places you shouldn’t be leaking. All of a sudden Captain Phasma is behind you: “Did I give you permission to leave your bunk TD­1002?”

We Stormtroopers have fought against some of the greatest armies, from the Rebellion to the Resistance. We are brave warriors and yet half of us have pissed our pants just trying to get to the potty. Just the other day LX­5077 jammed the clasp on his belt and near shat himself before an engineer could come fix it.

You’d also assume that on this freaking giant Starkiller Base there’d be plenty of places to relieve yourself. Well, you’d be wrong.

Fifty­thousand laser guns, eight­thousand TIE fighters, a hundred­thousand Stormtroopers, even a giant thermal oscillator, and I have to walk for up to fifteen minutes just to find a fucking bathroom. Honestly, it’s no wonder FN­2187 betrayed us. I bet the Millennium Falcon at least has a decent place to take a piss.

So you’re probably thinking: if peeing is so hard then how do Stormtroopers masturbate?

Well, I tell you it’s no easy feat. Group showers with other Stormtroopers make jerking off almost impossible. Once I tried carefully removing my pelvic armour in bed to get the deed done. The clinking and clanking of the rest of my suit nearly woke up half the dorm. You may have felt sorry for Vader, needing his helmet to breathe and all, but at least he was entitled to some goddamn privacy!

You’d think that the worst part about being a Stormtrooper is being brainwashed into obedience and conformity. Or maybe you’d think that it’s being stolen from our families at birth, or being forced into dangerous and life threatening battles. I promise you that none of these are the worst part of being a Stormtrooper.

The worst part about being a Stormtrooper is needing to pee. Going toe-­to­-toe with Luke­fucking­Skywalker would probably be easier.


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