Plastic Poop

11 May 2017

There’s no denying that the Baby Born dolls were a childhood gem for us ‘90s kids. Maybe you or your sister had one at some point. Or you can remember hearing the jingle during Cheez TV ad breaks. Perhaps you even have memories of seeing a fellow kid at Toyworld screaming for their parent to buy one.

Whatever the case, when the modern world gets too negative to handle, Baby Born is one of those nostalgic memories we still keep tucked away in our minds for something pleasant to think about – filed somewhere in between Pokémon and fairy bread. However, one benefit of living in the modern internet age is that we’re in a position to discover all the interesting bits of information about Baby Borns we never knew back then.

This article will be doing just that, delving deep into the Baby Born and answering questions we didn’t realise we have always wanted to know about them. Specifically, what their food is made of and how they poop.

First of all, the food.

Despite being presented as ‘porridge,’ a quick look at the ingredients on the back of the satchel reveals that this powder is very different from the porridge that was served up to you in the morning before school.

The ingredients listed are:

  • Maltodextrin – A food additive which is used as a
    preservative and thickener. It can also cause dangerous
    spikes in blood sugar.
  • Modified starch
  • Sugar
  • Acidifier or ascorbic acid – A chemical which causes
    food to dissolve in water so well that it’s also often used with
    heroin and crack cocaine.

Not exactly Uncle Toby’s!

Although this ‘porridge’ isn’t intended to be eaten by humans, it is safe for human consumption. For the sake of thoroughness, I did try some of it and the best way I can describe the taste is that it’s like very mild Whizz Fizz.

As former attentive mothers and fathers to your Baby Borns, you may remember that the ‘porridge’ powder is mixed with water and dissolves into a goop which you would then spoon-feed to your little one (using a bowl and spoon which was sold separately for $19.95).

But now comes some disappointing news for your inner child. The Baby Born’s ability to digest the food and poop it out as if by magic is inaccurate.

First of all, you’ll notice that the instructions on the food are to add enough water so that it is always thin and runny so that it can easily slide down a tube that goes from the mouth all the way to a tank at the bottom. You then actually have to push and hold the baby’s belly button to make the poop come out. It’s a manual, there is no awesome mechanism that makes the baby somehow know it’s time to go when you put her on the potty. Also, the poop is just the porridge you fed into her mouth coming out the other end, it was never digested and transformed into some weird other goop.

Like most things in childhood, a little bit of research reveals the magic and wonderful, as being basic and boring and more than a little heartbreaking. While we’re at it – Mickey Mouse at Disneyland is a man in a suit, the wizards in Hogwarts were muggle actors and all the animals you loved in ‘90s movies are dead now.

The harsh truth is, Baby Born was not a ‘real’ baby that did human-like functions by itself, but an overpriced receptacle for chemical-laden slop which we ourselves had to pump out of her.

But of course, that would have sounded terrible in the ad (it wouldn’t be as terrible as the commercial for the Baby Wee Wee doll, but it’d still be pretty bad).

Welcome to adulthood in the modern world. Innocence sometimes dies here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *