The Grub

Anxious about job prospects post-graduation? 5 ways to leech off your parents for the next 30 years!

25 March 2018

1. Extend your study

If you never finish studying, it’s never time to enter full time employment! Continue furthering your degree and pursue other degrees. Otherwise, take one or two subjects a term and claim they’re just that hard you couldn’t possibly handle any more.

TOP TIP! The Melbourne Model is great for this.

2. Get an unpaid internship

Our society loves to capitalise on free labor, as interns know too well. Force your parents to fund your lifestyle while furthering the capitalistic pursuits of society by desperately conforming to the unpaid internship system!

FUN FACT: Most unpaid internships are actually illegal!

3. Voluntourism!

Go volunteering overseas! Tell your ‘rents that you’re going to make a real difference in the world and guilt them into paying for your trip. But make sure that you are entirely unqualified to teach children/build a toilet block/lay bricks and are actively disenfranchising local workers. Bonus points if you(r parents) have to pay over $1,000 to go!

TOP TIP! Does a falling tree make a sound if nobody is around to hear it? Everyone knows that you haven’t really volunteered unless you post pictures of yourself surrounded by tiny impoverished children to Instagram for the next 18 months!

4. “Invest” in cryptocurrency

All money is just arbitrarily assigned value and thus basically fake, but some money is more fake than others. ‘It’s going to blow up any day now, Mum!’ you’ll cry. (It won’t.) Personal favourite for this one is Dogecoin. You’ll be broke before you know it!

5. Dedicate your time to the university magazine!

Set the groundwork for your dependent future while still at university. Don’t get real work experience while you’re at university—dedicate your time instead to the student magazine! This will get you on track nicely for a mediocre existence. Bonus points if you don’t get named in any of your published work online.

Words by Ailsa Traves.

One response to “Anxious about job prospects post-graduation? 5 ways to leech off your parents for the next 30 years!”

  1. Will says:

    You’re funny.

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