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Article

Linus Linus Linus Linus

Linus Tolliday (writer), Darus Noel Howard (graphics)

<p>Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus.</p>

Columns

Pitch:

So here it is – the big one. A film written by me, starring me, about me fucking me. We open on the average, humdrum and entirely unsatisfying life of Linus; working, shopping, feeding his four pet iguanas, sleeping and repeat. On the coldest day of the year, during a monster storm, Linus’ routine is disrupted when he sees his doppelganger on the way to work. Brushing this off as a coincidence, things become strange when Linus continues seeing this doppelganger at the same place every day for the next week: the neighbourhood sex shop.

After a few days, Linus decides to follow the doppelganger down a rabbit hole that leads to an underground lair crammed full of Linus-clones, all having sex with each other. Linus discovers that there is an Evil Overlord Linus, who has cloned himself hundreds of times for his own depraved sexual pleasure. But there’s another, even darker twist waiting in the wings; our sweet, dear, darling protagonist Linus is a clone who escaped and had repressed all memory of Evil Overlord Linus’s lair.

Now is Linus’s time to fight for the freedom of hundreds of Linus-clone slaves in this politically charged allegorical tale about something important, I’m sure.

Excerpt:

INT. UNDERGROUND SEX LAIR – ETERNAL NIGHT

LINUS Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus; Linus?

LINUS
Linus Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus, Linus! Linus Linus Linus!

LINUS
Linus Linus, Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus. Linus Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus – Linus Linus Linus.

Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus. Linus Linus Linus.

DAVID KOCH
Linus!

ALL
Linus! Linus! Linus! Linus! Linus!

LINUS
Linus, Linus, Linus. Linus?

LINUS
Linus Linus Linus …

LINUS
Linus.

The FARRAGO EDITORS enter.

EDITORS
Linus, could you try writing something that isn’t entirely about you? There’s only so much ego we can fit on the page and it’s reserved for us!

CHEF LINUS pummels the editors with a rolling pin.

LINUS
Linus! Linus!

Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus – Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus, Linus. Linus Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus!

Linus Linus Linus Linus. Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus. Linus, Linus Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS (CONT’D)
Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus Linus, Linus?

Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus, Linus? Linus Linus. Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Linus Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus! Linus Linus Linus Linus! Linus Linus Linus, Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus Linus.

LINUS
Just you wait till you see what we’ve done to Grant Denyer.