Fresh from a holiday in Europe funded by his Liberal-voting parents, politics major Connor Johnson continues to stay in touch with his elitist roots by constantly reminding all of his friends that his solid P-WAM is equivalent to an 80+ average at other institutions.

It seems that the second-year student’s constant virtue-signalling in tutorials of claiming to be aware of his class privilege has had no real impact in this thinking, as the second-year student is insistent that academic standards at the University of Melbourne are much higher than that of other Victorian universities.

“Why do you think the entry requirements for studying here are so high? I really am not making this shit up. You can even look at the Times Higher Education rankings—it’s just fact.”

Friends close to Johnson told The Grub that in the days following the release of Semester 2 exam marks, Johnson’s ridiculing increased by an average of three comments a day.

“We’re getting sick of his fragile ego. He brings this up almost as often as he talks about his 99 ATAR.”

Johnson declined to respond when The Grub requested him to comment on surveys that show that Monash, La Trobe, RMIT and Deakin consistently rank higher in terms of student satisfaction, campus culture, graduate opportunities and welfare programs.

Johnson also declined to comment when questioned on how he feels about having to spend another tens of thousands of dollars and wait three more years to study law, instead of just doing a double degree.

An anonymous source has also told The Grub that Johnson is in talks to become a spokesperson of the university’s new campaign: “Unimelb Number One—Fuck the Rest”.

 
Headline by Darcy French.
Article by Angela Le.