LATEST NEWS:

Why the Left Sucks: An Inquiry into Campus’s Most Hated Political Group

It is no exaggeration to say that The University of Melbourne is one of the largest breeding grounds for leftist thought in the country. For those of us who have been on campus–walked past the columns

Hey hey hey, it’s time to recap the Kooyong Leaders Debate piece

Poor Selina, she had to watch the whole debate.

The Aesthetics of Poverty – Why students at UniMelb are so keen to appear poor.

The discourse accusing this so-called ‘student aesthetic’ of fetishising poorness has surfaced within the past year on social media (especially TikTok) and in conversations between students on and off

Satire: Farrago Shuts Down; Honi Soit Now Australia's Oldest Student Publication

As of today, Farrago Magazine, Australia’s oldest student publication, will cease operations under the current four editors.

VCA Students Demand UniMelb to Commit to “Zero Tolerance” Policy

Students at the Victorian College of the Arts (VCA) are calling on the University of Melbourne to “commit to stronger policies and actions when it comes to sexual assault”, after the University ignore

 

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The Fairytale Gazette: Part 1

<p>Murder and general mayhem sound just like your good old-fashioned fairy tales, something left behind in the myths and legends that belong in forgotten derelict book-shelves. Beware sensationalism but the reality is that it’s all just life, kids.</p>

Public health announcement

Shops are being forced to recall all spindles by royal decree.

All spindles or anything sharp resembling a spindle must be voluntarily surrendered by the end of this month in time for Princess Briar Rose’s sixteenth birthday celebrations.

All those who comply will be refunded in full.

Anyone who disobeys this direct order and is found to have a spindle in their possession by month’s end will have it confiscated and a fine of five gold pieces imposed. Regardless of who owns it, if it is in your possession at the time of inspection, you will be found at fault. Multiple spindles will only implicate you further. Depending on the severity of the offence, you may be questioned, tortured for information on the whereabouts of other spindles and thrown into the stocks. A conviction will result in indefinite imprisonment.

The nature of the spindles defect is classified but the royals insists that it impacts the royal family’s, and hence, the kingdom’s safety.

The Golden Goose Factory gone bankrupt

After revelations that corruption had rotted the foundations of the once trusted and prestigious factory, the Golden Goose has officially filed for bankruptcy meaning that their lucrative assets have run dry.

Suspicions remain over the whereabouts of its namesake, the goose that laid the golden egg. There are rumours circulating about its recent and rather mysterious disappearance. Tip offs that we have received cite tax evasion and tax havens as to its possible location.

Pinocchio – the organic lie detector invented by Geppetto toymakers PTY. LTD.

Credited with the advancement in Artificial Intelligence with the newest Pinocchio model sculpted to look like “a real boy”.

Hansel and Gretel – Who is to blame?

An old woman has been hospitalised after being found with severe burns on her body and two young children are being charged with her assault.

The old woman claims that the children held her hostage in her own home after she offered to take them in from the cold night, demanding that she give them dessert. If she didn’t comply she would receive death threats from them.

A witness in the woods heard lots of screaming coming from the house before bravely running towards the scene.

“It was awful.” The witness said, “She had been tipped into the oven and moaning that ‘It burns!’”

The witness was perplexed over how two young children could have pushed an adult into the oven, let alone why they would do so.

The children’s lawyer has responded by stating that the hallucinogenic mushrooms that grow wild in the woods are to blame for the children’s behaviour.

“There was nothing else to eat in the woods when the children were cast from their home. They foraged for food but didn’t realise that the hallucinogenic mushrooms looked slightly different to edible mushrooms. They had never been out of home to fend for themselves before. They thought that the old woman was a witch and her house made from sweets. You’ve got to understand that they were starving at the time. These are extremely young children who are very traumatised by these events and very remorseful.”

The children will both be tested for traces of these alleged mushrooms by doctors to see if it will support their claims.

The old woman blames the emerging youth culture of entitlement and disrespect to elders. She also places the responsibility on the children’s absent parents.

Unfortunately, a search to track down the children’s parents has been futile.

“They are too ashamed to come out of hiding. Scared and ashamed of the consequences.” The old woman says.

 
Farrago's magazine cover - Edition Five 2022

2022 EDITION FIVE 'VOULEZ-VOUS' AVAILABLE NOW!

Edition 5 is all dolled up, adorned with student art, pretty words and scandelous hot-takes. Read it now!

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