LATEST NEWS:

State Electorate Profile: Brunswick

Abbey Saxon gives you the political rundown on Melbourne's most (in)famous inner-northern suburb.

Why the Left Sucks: An Inquiry into Campus’s Most Hated Political Group

It is no exaggeration to say that The University of Melbourne is one of the largest breeding grounds for leftist thought in the country. For those of us who have been on campus–walked past the columns

The Aesthetics of Poverty – Why students at UniMelb are so keen to appear poor.

The discourse accusing this so-called ‘student aesthetic’ of fetishising poorness has surfaced within the past year on social media (especially TikTok) and in conversations between students on and off

Satire: Farrago Shuts Down; Honi Soit Now Australia's Oldest Student Publication

As of today, Farrago Magazine, Australia’s oldest student publication, will cease operations under the current four editors.

VCA Students Demand UniMelb to Commit to “Zero Tolerance” Policy

Students at the Victorian College of the Arts (VCA) are calling on the University of Melbourne to “commit to stronger policies and actions when it comes to sexual assault”, after the University ignore

 

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Satire-in-Brief: Edition Three 2022

Ormond College Student “Too Poor” to Pay for Uber Home

A row of buildings silhouetted against a swirly textured and blurred purple background.

Ormond College Student “Too Poor” to Pay for Uber Home

Despite his parents paying all accommodation fees, Charles insists he cannot afford a $14 Uber to Smith Street. “I even had 2-minute noodles for dinner!” he exclaimed, forgetting to mention this was because he refused the lamb roast in the dining hall.

—Madison Barr

 

Subaru Forester Driver Surprisingly Not a Lesbian

“Check out my new wheels!” shouted Bridget Smithe, who recently posted a photo of her newly christened 1994 Subaru Forester on Instagram. She’d been eyeing off an SUV for years and stumbled across this beauty, not knowing the strong connection to the lesbian community.

“I had a lot of people congratulating me on coming out, even my boyfriend said he was supportive! Honestly I just liked the seat covers." 

—Bayley Horne

 

Ash Barty Retiring Encourages Others to Quit While They’re Ahead

The recent announcement of Ash Barty’s retirement from tennis at the height of her career has inspired other Australians to similarly bow out of responsibilities after peaking too early. First-year student Hailey Pimento told Farrago about her decision to drop out of university after receiving an H1 on an essay in first semester. When asked for a comment on her decision, Pimento said: “To quote the wise words of Ms Barty herself—‘I just know I’m absolutely spent. I know physically I have nothing more to give and that for me is success.’”

—Alexia Shaw

 

Honestly if You’re Triple Vaxxed and Still Haven’t Had COVID It’s Kinda Embarrassing

Like where have you been these past two years? Do you have any friends? Surely your bedroom wall can’t be that interesting? Go out to a club, rub up against everyone at the Queen Vic Markets, fuck masks.

Would you rather get covid and maybe face a lifetime of suffering long-lasting side effects which will ruin your quality of life or would you rather be lame and boring?

The choice is yours.

—Bayley Horne

 

Oxford Dictionary Coins the Term “McVegetarian”, for People Who Are Vegetarians 100% of the Time, Except at Maccas After a Night Out

In response to the rise of drunk vego friends ordering McChickens after a night out of clubbing, the reputable dictionary has added the word “McVegetarian”, and these individuals can be seen on Smith St and Spencer St in the early morning hours. A case study of this phenomenon was seen at 1am last Thursday, when a black-out drunk Gabriel Waters stood at the electronic menu screen and loudly declared “fuck it, I’m just gonna order nuggets.” The next day Waters was seen paying two dollars extra for oat milk at brunch, before loudly complaining about the lack of vegan options on campus.

—Alexia Shaw

 

Bookies Hate Him: Man Finally Wins Multi-Bet on His 473rd Attempt

After two years and thousands of dollars, Brett Hatman finally managed to win money betting on his beloved Hawks.

“Fuck me it was good, you know all my mates kept saying ‘Brett you aren’t gonna win a 15-legger’ but fuck do they know, welcome to the winners circle baby!”

He proceeded to lose all his money betting his winnings on a random Korean badminton match.

—Bayley Horne

 

Final Semester Student Embarks on Severely Delayed Hoe Phase

After spending the first two years of her degree overseas due to border closures, a final-semester student is attempting to cram every missed experience into her last months at university.

“She’s always asking me whether I want to go out,” said one exasperated friend. “It’s a Monday night and I’m doing like, two internships. We’re not first-years anymore.”

—Pavani Ambagahawattha

 

University Searching for Volunteer Tour Guides to Take Students to New Zambreros

Since discovering that 90% of the questions flooding Stop 1 were regarding the new location of Zambreros, and the other 10% were “where the fuck is the ERC?”, the University has established a volunteer program to help address these concerns, calling on more worldly students to take tour groups of people to the takeaway favourite’s new location. The tours will collect burritoless students from outside the vacant hole Zambreros has left in Union House, before leading them to the new spot. All tour guides will be given a megaphone, a fluoro vest, and sense of pride from aiding their community in such a noble manner.

—Alexia Shaw

 

Budding Entrepreneur Sells Positive COVID Tests on FB Marketplace

While in quarantine after having contracted COVID at a college party, second-year Commerce student Cody James was struck by a brainwave.

“I sent my tutors pictures of my positive test, and bam, extensions,” he explained enthusiastically to Farrago. “That’s when I realised-positive tests are a valuable commodity, man.”

Using his own diseased body as the means of production, our budding entrepreneur now generates at least 20 positive RATs daily. He then lists them on FB Marketplace, where they are quickly snapped up by desperate procrastinators.

—Pavani Ambagahawattha

 

Penniless Student Unimpressed by Met Gala Outfits

As the 2022 Met Gala rolls around, broke university students around the world have transformed overnight into experts in haute couture.

Dressed in a $12 Kmart hoodie and SHEIN sweatpants, and clutching a bowl of Indomie, one first-year has settled in for an evening of criticising outfits that cost more than her yearly rent.

“The theme is Gilded Glamour and they’re all in black?” scoffs our young Miranda Priestly, rolling her eyes. “Ridiculous.”

Nearly every celebrity receives such dismissal, with the exception of Billie Eilish, whose outfit our critic begrudgingly admits is “ period-accuratish”.

—Pavani Ambagahawattha

 
Farrago's magazine cover - Edition Five 2022

EDITION SIX 'RETROFUTURISM' AVAILABLE NOW!

Our last print edition of 2022 is here! This wild, visionary edition is filled with burning nostalgia, glittering hope, and tantalising visions of the future, past, and present.

Read online