Around 90% of Melbourne’s funerals must happen at 8am on a Wednesday morning, if one criminology tutor’s attendance records are anything to go by. 

Bernie Green (26) has reported a massive spike in the deaths of his students’ obscure relatives and family friends since he moved his tutorial from a 2pm to an 8am timeslot. 

“I feel really sorry for one student in particular – Emily Cheering,” Mr Green said. “She’s already had 3 distant relatives pass away this sem, and it’s not even Easter. She doesn’t let it get her down though – if I didn’t know any better, I’d think she hadn’t gone through any tragedies at all!”

When asked by our reporters about her personally challenging semester, Ms Cheering (20) was initially puzzled. “What are you ta- oh right, yeah nah it’s been really sad and stuff. Been grieving heaps. I was really close to my, uh, great-aunt. And the other ones too.” 

She further added that her consistent Wednesday morning absences were “completely unrelated” to the Shaw Davey Slum’s new 1.7L Furphy ‘MegaJug’ special on Tuesday nights.

On the other hand, Puffy Bugle (25), the tutor whose class swapped timeslots with Mr Green’s, seems to have superpowers of some sort. “I switched the tutorial to an afternoon time and all of a sudden people’s long-lost family members stopped dying,” Mr Bugle said. “It was a really weird coincidence.”

The University has a new policy demanding that funeral books are now to be provided as evidence whenever a funeral is used as an excuse for absence. When told of this by our reporters, Ms Cheering seemed unfazed. “One of my friends actually works at a funeral home, so I can just ask her to give me any old funeral book that I *cough* forgot to take with me after the service,” she said, winking for some reason. 

We extend our sincerest condolences to Emily in this difficult time.