Mullet Ban in North Korea Might Just Pull the Trigger for the First War Australia Ever Initiated in History

Political experts have suggested that the war the world is dreading might not break out in Taiwan or China, nor continue in Ukraine, but rather, erupt between Australia and North Korea.

Australia was never known for its belligerence. However, the recent ban of mullets in North Korea deeply enraged an alarming number of proud mullet enthusiasts from across the ocean.

Let’s hear from one of them.

“Yeah, mate. This mullet here, is where the Australian essence lies, mate. I don’t care what that dictator in North Korea says. This is our NATIONAL TREASURE. You can take away me car, you can take away me house, but you ain’t gonna take away this hair! What you do, Kimmie boy, is an ungrace to me and my mates…”

“I think you mean ‘disgrace’?”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever floats your boat, mate.”

—Danqing Zhu

Local Woman Breaks Down Crying After Receiving a BeReal Notification the Second
She Arrives Home

“I did so many interesting things today!” she sobs.
“I went out for brunch, I saw a cat, I helped deliver a baby on the street, and I took a blood oath with the antichrist. But of course it has to go off when I’m at home for the FIFTH DAY IN A ROW!”

BeReal has declined to comment.

—Madison Barr

Anti-Lockdown Protesters Gather Outside Channel 10 Over the Masked Singer Propaganda

“First we have to wear masks on PTV, now we have to wear them on stage too??” said protester Keith Drudge, who neither sings nor owns a myki. “This show is unwatchable Andrews government propaganda. I just hope Popcorn and Mirrorball can stay strong. Also Zombie is definitely Heidi Klum.”

—Alexia Shaw

UniMelb Open Day Allegedly So Shit Not Even Our Reporters Attended

The goon-soaked days of dancing to Lime Cordiale on South Lawn are no more, as open days have become a home for infinite brochures and a free pen or two. “The highlight for me was getting a voucher for 10% off Schnitz, but I had to elbow my way through about 50 other scummers to get one,” a disappointed student said.

—Madison Barr

Girl Sets Sights on Andrew Tate as Her Biggest “I Can Fix Him” Project Yet

Katarina Martinez, whose last four boyfriends were all emotionally unavailable skater boys, stumbled upon one of Tate’s many misogynistic TikToks on Tuesday evening and has not shut up about him since. “You guys he’s misunderstood,” Martinez said to her friends over brunch. “He just needs the right woman to change his perspective, there’s a heart of gold in there I swear.”  When Martinez went to the bathroom, her friends gave a collective groan. “Well, at least this one’s got a car,” said one friend with a sigh.

—Alexia Shaw

Progressive Arts Student Suddenly a Devout Monarchist Right Before Their Assessment Due Date

Despite writing numerous essays about coloniser violence, Matthew now claims his mourning of the Queen has prevented him from completing his assignments on time. “While the public holiday has helped a little, I think I need another five business days to really process this loss,” his email to a tutor read. According to an inside source, Matthew has fully committed to the bit by joining the student Monarchist Society.

—Madison Barr

Housemate Who Hasn’t Done the Dishes in Five Weeks Sneers at Half-Empty Glass of Water

The group chat has been spicier than ever after share house resident decides the others aren’t pulling their weight. “I just think it’s super disrespectful to leave a glass on the bench,” they wrote in the chat. “I left my dishes unwashed because I had an assignment last week and my cat died two years ago, but when you guys leave things out it’s just plain rude.”

Their housemates have reportedly been active on Fairy Floss since the exchange occurred.

—Madison Barr

Local Man Confused by Roe v. Wade, Thinks It’s a WWE Fight

On Saturday night Bruce Fieldings attempted to comfort his distraught daughter, who could only get out the phrases “Roe v. Wade” and “we lost” between her sobs. “There there,” said Fieldings, who has not read the news since 1983. “I’m sure with a bit of extra training, Wade will come back stronger than ever in the next fight.” He then entered his kitchen to discover his wife crying over the same match. Fieldings was surprised. He didn’t realise his family were such big wrestling fans.

—Alexia Shaw