For & Against

For & Against: Wafflestomping

13 March 2018
Wafflestomping by David Zeleznikow-Johnston


Image by David Zeleznikow-Johnston

FOR by Darcy French

Wafflestomping. The name itself conjures up fond memories for many, and cold sweats of fear for others. For the uninitiated, a quick summation of the stomping movement is perhaps in order. The wafflestomp derives its name from the Belgians, who were the first to practice ‘the stomp’ in the mid-18th century, and involves the pressing of one’s excrement down the drain of one’s shower, or la douche as the French affectionately call it.

Undoubtedly, we live today in an environmentally conscious world, where recycling is paramount and natural resources are in short supply. Amidst this push for a cleaner world, wafflestomping has become an integral part of any environmentalist’s morning routine. Not only does wafflestomping significantly reduce water consumption, combining showering and toileting into one progressive activity, but it also reduces deforestation, as wafflestomping rids us of the need for toilet paper, turning instead to the gentle stream of a warm shower.

Furthermore, countless men and women across the world know the utility of a wafflestomp in a time of crisis. Whether it be a date to the Indian restaurant down the road or some funky sushi, the privacy and noise protection of the shower provide the perfect cover to destroy the evidence, and the steaming water a biblical cleansing of your sins.

Opponents of the wafflestomp will contend that the sheer variety of waffles in our society make the wafflestomp a high- stakes activity, with the average punter unprepared for all the variegated waffles life may throw at him. What this argument fails to understand is that variety is the spice of life—a waffle’s variety is what makes the stomp so satisfying, and to take that away would be to take away one of life’s greatest joys.

Even well-intended opponents of the wafflestomp are sheepish to admit that a well-executed stomp is hygienic and effective. The issue lies therefore not in opposing the wafflestomp—a draconian measure to say the least—but in educating people on proper techniques. Many institutions have already done amazing work in this area, such as the University of Melbourne’s Safe Stomping Standards, a program currently being taught in high schools across Australia.

AGAINST by Alex D. Epstein

Ever since the philosophers of the Enlightenment first denounced the act of wafflestomping, the matter has been one of intense debate. Its proponents, however, conveniently forget several key facts about the practice. Certainly, it is efficient, and when done well, perfectly safe. But it is by no means a perfect solution. First, we shall focus on the waffle, and in due time, dear reader, the stomp.

The waffle’s consistency is the first hurdle at which many amateur stompers fall. The uninitiated may assume anything higher than a three on the Bristol stool scale is eligible. But this is mere hubris: while it is certainly challenging on the lower end, higher liquidity only presents more challenges. How does one stomp a soupy stool, for example? The hard truth is, the act of waffle production is unpredictable. Without a carefully tuned diet such as mine, one plays Russian roulette.

The second point I must make concerns the stomp itself. I receive emails every day on this subject, and it is perhaps the most challenging aspect of the ritual. Dear reader, you would be remiss to think this action requires directed power. It is somewhat of a misnomer. It is far easier, in the long run, for one instead to massage the stool into the grate with due care and attention. But this requires practice and moral fortitude— two character traits apparently absent in the brash, reckless generation of prospective stompeurs I find myself speaking down upon.

Should there not be an easier way to dispose of one’s stools, one that does not require these base acts? Mankind has been developing tools for generations: why should we forget this now? I would suggest, dear reader, the novice stomper purchase a dedicated potato masher to keep in one’s shower cubicle. It is a perfectly designed tool for this purpose, and can assure safe passage for any stool lower than a six on our Bristol chart. Further implements, should they be necessary, include a steak knife and rolling pin.

But if one is crippled by financial constraints, please consider simply producing into one’s cupped hands and proudly depositing the stool into a bucket outside the shower. This bucket should then be emptied into one’s red bin in time for the weekly garbage collection.

2 responses to “For & Against: Wafflestomping”

  1. Gruelgle31175 says:

    Im a reactionary toileteer on this one. We didn’t win WWII for me to give up the shit, sauna, shower shave cycle to which Ive grown accustomed. Decadent? Perhaps. But you’re clean after that.

  2. Steve says:

    This has got to be the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Thank you!

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